The Browning Side

Lil' Midwest

2009-04-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

America is the land of diversity, and no where exemplifies that more than Los Angeles. Just take LAX for example. A place where the driving laws of a hundred nations of origin are flaunted and broken. And of course, the local authorities are left helpless. They don’t even know which siren to use, American or French style, but just to be safe they have decided to carry Central American style machine guns.

But the airport isn’t the only international scene in LA. There is Chinatown and Little Ethiopia. You can get authentic Mexican, Korean, and Pilipino food. You can even watch foreign films here (if you wanted to). Even the white kids of Orange County have traveled throughout all of Europe and wandered the streets of Tokyo.

The ironic thing about all of that is the fact that those same kids who can easily point out on a map where the best indoor ski slopes of Dubai are can only vaguely gesture to a broad area between Panama and Northern Canada when asked to indicate where Ohio is.

While many people would blame the smog which is itself caused by many of those kids smoking pot, I blame Ohio. I believe that Ohio and much of the Midwest have done a poor job of marketing their ethnicity. Being “ethnic” is one of the hottest trends going around Hollywood these days, and the “fly-over” just doesn’t have it, with the limited exception of the Amish. Like many of today’s most popular ethnicities the Amish dress weird, have an accent, and they are all really hard to tell apart.

As an Ohio-an I think that this is a model, we all can adopt. Like many of the traditionally ethnic spots, such as Italy, Ethiopia, and Disneyworld, we need to adopt certain distinctives that will separate us from just being a pudgier, less irrationally dressed people from a state that isn’t on the coast.

But how can we as Midwesterners become more ethnic? Good question. And to answer that, we need to once again look at what is Politically Correct. Or specifically what is currently not Politically Correct. If you were to think of your current token ethnic friend, and think about those topics and differences that you would not be allowed to mention, those are what we need to adopt.

For instance, we need accents. Sure it might make us more unintelligible, but it would make an Indianan restaurant way more popular instead of just a disappointment for the people who realized that they misread the sign and aren’t going to get to eat spicy chickpeas with their bare hands.

Also we should play up our appearance more. If other groups can embrace their skin color then so can we. Stop being so ashamed of being pasty and pudgy. We need to make see-through skin our trademark. I vote that “cracker” should be a term that we use to refer to ourselves regularly but get offended when another ethnicity uses it.

And of course, we can’t be truly ethnic without our own food. We are certainly a meat and potatoes people. But we can’t really claim steak since Texas kind of claimed that one. No, what Lil’ Midwest (what I’m calling Midwest town coming soon to a TBD large coastal city) will be featuring are “Home Cooked Meals.” I don’t mean microwaveable meals or PF Chang’s take-out, like most Californian home cooked meals. I mean truly ethnic Midwest, like meatloaf and creamed corn.

Now, this may sound bland and boring to the unimaginative, but themes are almost as hot as ethnicities right now, and we can just run with this whole Home Cooked Meal thing. For instance, instead of a Melting Pot style fondue restaurant we could have a Minnesota style crock pot style restaurant. But since crock pot meals take hours to cook, we could adopt the whole “you’ll eat what is put on the table,” dogma that is preached throughout the red states. Not only do you not get a choice as to what you eat, but you’ll have to set your own table as well. And don’t even think about asking for the check until you’ve cleaned up your plate. And on Thursdays you get left-overs, some might say to reduce the carbon footprint, others would say to clean out the fridge
.

Hopefully, if my plan works, Ohio will soon be recognized and admired for driving American made vehicles and pouring loads of salt all over our food and our roads, and not just being confused with the state where all the potatoes come from. Possibly we could even become a big popular tourist destination like many other ethnic places. But even if it doesn’t become cool to anyone else, it will always be cool to me. Freezing actually. That’s why I moved to California. It’s like 20 below in April there. Lame

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 7:11pm

2009-02-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

With less than a minute left, the Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger©, has started using his German Jedi powers to throw an amazing touchdown pass. The final score is 27 to 23 in favor of the Steelers. Right now the Cardinals have to be asking themselves several important questions:

1. What the heck just happened?
2. Did I remember to TiVo the new episode of The Office?
3. Why were the Budweiser commercials so dissappointing this year?

These are questions that we will all have to consider deeply over the coming months before the season starts up again. But right now, I have to get ready for The Office. Plus baseball season is just 2 short months away.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 6:59pm

2009-02-01T18:57:00.000-08:00

The Cardinals have regained the lead, scoring a field goal and a touchdown all while the Steelers were busy watching the commercials and lining up for Bruce Springsteen’s autograph. This has caused so much excitement among the many Cardinals fans at my apartment, that I am definitely going to have to Febreeze my couch. When you combine the excitement and football fever with the fact that the absence of a lock on my bathroom making many of my guests of too nervous to use the facilities, it’s a recipe for disaster. I may have to take everyone to the hot tub

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 6:33pm

2009-02-01T18:32:00.000-08:00

Picking up Obama appears to be a smart move on the part of the Cardinals because he just scored a touchdown. Meanwhile the more conservative Steelers have used one of their timeouts to challenge the play on the grounds of “Marxist tendencies.” This has, of course, only served to get the animated John Madden© even more fired up.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 6:21pm

2009-02-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

After battling back up the field, Jennifer Hudson kicked a 35 yard field goal and the Steelers have increased their lead to 20-7. Meanwhile the Cardinals have recruited Barack Obama and are now having the audacity to hope.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 5:35pm

2009-02-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

It is currently half-time and once again controversy has erupted at the party. This time the question is “Who is that old dude, that keeps yelling on stage with all the fireworks?” But it is discussions such as this that lead us to several conclusions and observations as we look back at the first half.

First of all, when several party attendees believe in their heart of hearts that the Super Bowl should have chosen The Jonas Brothers over Bruce Springsteen for the half-time show, it is time to reexamine my standards in who I allow into my apartment.

Secondly, how long do chicken wings have to sit out before they start growing salmonella?

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 5:03

2009-02-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

America has voted! After ending the half with a controversial interception and touchdown return that went under official revue, NBC replayed it approximately 33,000 times from almost as many angles. Then, American Idol style, millions of viewers from around the world called in and voted as to whether or not the play should stand. After the calls were tabulated, and the judges scores were added in, it was ruled that they should show more commercials with animals. Also that Pittsburgh’s touchdown stands so the score is now 17 to 7 in favor of the Steelers.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 4:50

2009-02-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

It has been some time since any scoring has gone on. Some would call this exciting defense, others would call it soccer. But on a much more interesting note, my neighbor just came over and informed us that we were some how getting the signal about 5-10 seconds sooner than he was. Using the scientific process we quickly deduced that it was because of the new digital signal converter that I was complaining about earlier. Apparently the converter box actually picks up the signal from the future! I wondered why it needed a 1.21 gigawatt adapter and flux capacitor.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE

2009-02-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

In a surprise play Cardinals Kurt Warner threw a touchdown pass to Faith Hill putting Arizona right back in a game no one knew they were playing. Further surprising San Diego fans who just realized that the Chargers were knocked out 3 weeks ago. As nice as it is to have a close and entertaining game, probably the most entertaining part is a new NBC feature in which the game commentator is done by a crotchety old cartoon football named John Madden speaking in a made up language.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 4:16pm

2009-02-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

The Steelers have scored again. This time it is what many in the sporting industry like to refer to as a touchdown. Possibly utilizing a play named after a religious figure such as a “Hail Mary” or “Statue of Liberty.” This puts the score now 10 to love in favor of Pittsburgh. The low spirits of the many Arizona natives at my party are quickly raised by a touching (read: boring) beer commercial about horses in love. Thereby pushing the male Cardinals fans that much closer to depression.

uper Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 3:54

2009-02-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

Steelers fans are rejoicing as the new G.I. Joe preview airs. Loosely based on the 2007 championship season this movie should bring a resurgence to the wildly underrated tourist Mecca that is Pittsburgh and a boost to their economy. This truly is a new era of change. Also they scored a field goal, making the score Steelers 3 – Cardinals 0

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE 3:40pm

2009-02-01T15:39:00.000-08:00

The game has officially begun and the first batch of wings are ready to eat. Excitement is high among the female representatives of this particular party as they take sides showing their allegiances. Some are supporting Faith Hill while others are rooting for Jennifer Hudson in a riveting contest of who can have the most glisten in their eyes during a patriotic song. I think that ratings would skyrocket if the networks would hire a play-by-play fashion commentator. This is something that they should definitely look into on the Lifetime Channel or possibly one of those new digital channels with the signal so weak that my converter box makes skip like a dirty cd.

Super Bowl Extravaganza LIVE

2009-02-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

This year the Chimes has generously agreed to allow me a free trip to the Super Bowl. Specifically Super Bowl XLII. Even more specifically, my own Super Bowl XLII party. This will actually be a live updated blog in which I cover both the exciting commercials as well as the powerful and emotional drama that is Super Bowl XLII Party 2009. What kind of drama? Well many of you veterans may remember the time we ran out of spinach dip in 2005? Yeah and who could forget all those Reese’s Pieces of Super Bowl XXX.

Also, we will probably be covering the actual game a little bit as well. Why put so little emphasis on the Super Bowl itself? Good question, it’s for the same reason that network television has been broadcasting the game for the last 2 hours and has yet to actually show the game. There is even a lot of evidence pointing to the fact that they are actually just airing the same game every year, digitally changing the colors of the jerseys. Possibly originally played in 1974 between two high school teams in Texas.

So keep checking in as we keep covering all the hard hitting salsa action and commercialization. Or accidentally stumble across this 2 weeks from now and reminisce each and ever glorious moment of Super Bowl XLII Party 2009.

Annual Airline Complaint Blog

2008-12-23T22:39:00.000-08:00

Let’s take a moment to talk about phobias. Many people have a fear of flying. I have a fear of airlines. Also I’m a little nervous about airport security, but that’s just because they once broke my video camera and I’m a little nervous they’re going to perform personal searches that haven’t been approved by my doctor just to spite me.

But every year that I go home for Christmas something happens. I’m told that many people enjoy their flying experiences. I’ve heard all about how people find great deals online, or then get bumped up to first class, or how if you flirt with the flight attendant she’ll talk the pilot into letting you fly the plane. But none of that has ever happened to me and I don’t believe it’s real.

Let me bring you up to speed with some of my flying highlights:

1st time flying – I had to wait for 3 hours after landing to exit the plane, then after immediately boarding my connecting flight, I had to wait another 5 hours before take off.

Last year – I had my flight changed to 3 different destinations and it was delayed 7 hours. You can read more about that one on last year’s blog.

My luggage has not arrived at the same time/place as me 4 times and I don’t fly that often.

And then there was this year. I made it from LA to Detroit with no more than the usual problem which is the fact that I don’t fit in regular airplane seats. Also I had the privilege of sitting next to a man from a country in which personal space is reserved only for lepers and who felt most comfortable with his seat back, eyes closed, and elbow nestled firmly in my lap. Not only did I not get to use the arm rest, I couldn’t even rest my arm in my own lap. But I don’t blame the airlines for that. That’s my own fault for having such a nice lap.

Nor do I really blame the airlines for canceling my next flight. “Why was my flight canceled?” you ask. Good question, and one that I asked the rebooking guy myself. “It’s because of weather related complications.” Was the reply. Since the weather was fine in Detroit and the weather was also fine in Akron/Canton as well as everywhere in between. I can only assume that the flight was canceled because the weather was too good. Which I totally understand. I should have known something was up on my flight to Detroit because everything went too smoothly.

I do blame the airlines for not being any help at all in rebooking me. After first arriving at Detroit airport I checked the flight schedules to find out which gate I was to leave at and if my flight was on time. My gate was at C33 (at the furthest point in the airport from my current position) and it was on time. So I headed on over to C33 taking two trams and going through a tunnel that looked like something from Lost In Space). I finally get there and I check the schedule again, this time it says that my flight has been canceled. So I go to the desk at C33 (where my flight had been scheduled only moments before) only to find that the helpful North West Airlines agent at the desk, not only could not help me in rebooking, but she didn’t even know that the Akron/Canton flight had been supposed to depart from there.

So I went to 3 more North West desks and none of them could help. Some of whom couldn’t find evidence of a flight going there tomorrow or even that there had been one going there today. One of the agents did give me a pamphlet and told me to call the number. So I called the number and after giving the recording my information, I was informed that due to a high volume of calls they would not be able to assist me at this time and for me to try the website, then I was hung up on by the recording. Finally a baggage handler gave me directions to the rebooking phones. So I called those and spoke to a very nice man named Josh who wanted very badly to help me, but there weren’t any more flights to that city that day, and there was only one the next day and it was looking pretty full. I pointed out that there was a flight leaving for Cleveland (about an hour and a half away) that night that perhaps there might be room on that one. He agreed that this sounded like a good idea and thanked me for the suggestion. But after two failed attempts to get a hold of his boss and/or the ticketing desk at the airport he told me to go directly to the desk at the gate and then had me relay directions from Josh to the agent at the desk who did not want to talk to Josh or even me really. But eventually I made it (minus my luggage again). And have finally arrived at home.

Why do I perpetually experience difficulties in flying? Perhaps it is because I am flying north in the winter and defying the laws of nature. Or maybe it’s because I’m an otherwise lucky guy and karma spends one day of the year to even things out. But I believe that its because of a failure in national security. I believe that enemies of our way of life have infiltrated the airline industry at the highest levels and have inflicted a two prong slow death attack.

Prong number one is an economic crippling in which they implement a business strategy that causes high prices, poor service, and no profits. Then when they are so far in the hole, they talk the government into bailing them out. Where does that money go? Not to free snacks or movies because we didn’t have any of that on my 5 hour flight. Nor did it go to letting me check 1 piece of luggage. I had to pay $15 for 1 suitcase! Some terrorist somewhere is chuckling over that one.

Prong number two is the recruitment phase. This is the one in which they make the experience so bad that everyone flying has a deep religious hatred for the airlines, airports, and especially security. That’s why in the interest of national safety, I recommend getting a bicycle.

Deck the Halls and Shiver Me Timbers

2008-11-22T22:32:00.000-08:00

Looking for a little extra holiday cash? Of course you are, but probably not hard enough to actually get a job at the mall. There are way too many people at the mall during the holidays. Greedy, heartless, materialistic consumers just like my brother, Rob.

Well cheer up because I have the perfect solution to the Christmas cashless blues. That’s right I’m talking about piracy! “Piracy?” you ask. “Didn’t that go out of style a hundred years ago?” Oh no, due to the popularity of those Disney movies, piracy is alive and well today. You can thank Johnny Depp for the hundreds of millions of dollars that have been paid in ransom in the region surrounding the horn of Africa. God only knows what those lawless Somalis will do with the popularity of the High School Musical movies. Start their own renegade boy bands probably (shudder).

Anyways, as always there are two sides to the coin. You have the option of either choosing to be a pirate, or you can be the guys who catch the pirates. In order to help you make an informed decision, I did the research for you and I discovered not only a pick up line ("Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!") but also a joke (pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!")

If that doesn’t help you decide, I don’t know what will, In the olden days, choosing was made simpler by the fact that you either became a pirate or you had to walk the plank. But today that decision is made more complicated by the fact that many of these pirates are Somali and don’t speak English. They could be telling you to do anything. But you’d better figure it out quick because cutlasses are out (both the swords and the Oldsmobiles) and rocket propelled grenades are in. More bang for your buccaneer.

If you choose to be a pirate you can spend this Christmas hijacking ships such as the Sirius Star, a recently hijacked oil tanker, four times the size of an aircraft carrier, loaded down with $110 million worth of oil. Not exactly doubloons, but you could store a lot of rum in a boat that big. Now that would be a booze cruise.

On the other hand, you could join one of the several navies now patrolling the area and blowing up to smithereens anything even remotely pirated (so if you go, you should probably leave your iPod at home, if you know what I mean). Or you could go it on your own, become a pirate bounty hunter.

That’s the option that I am going for, and I’m currently looking for a crew. So if you feel like you could use some reward money to make this Christmas just a little bit brighter, I’m still looking for a few good men (or women, let’s not discriminate in this modern world of privateering). Open positions include: cabin boy, first mate, person(s) who actually own a boat, and a navigator who knows where Somalia is.

So feel free to apply by commenting below. This Christmas, make the world a better place, make some new friends, and get a head start on your New Year’s resolution of working on the booty you’ve always wanted.

Jazzy Pride

2008-11-17T23:41:00.000-08:00

Jazz, the only music officially sanctioned by PBS, is one of the most mysterious and misunderstood of the audio art forms. But as a mavericky music critic I have spent the better part of this weekend learning and understanding the only genre of music in the world enjoyed by both rich white people and African Americans.

This past week, I won a pair of tickets to An Evening of Jazz at the Greek Theater in LA. And since I’ve always been a big fan of free I decided to go. In doing the research on the subject I found that every jazz concert with more than one performer is called “An Evening of Jazz.” Fortunately for me this one happened to be a big one. Featuring Ellis Marsalis Quintet, the McCoy Tyner Trio, and Brad Mehldau, three of the best jazz pianists in the world. And it was watching these three great musicians that I learned the most fundamental difference between jazz and rock. In jazz, as opposed to rock, the older the musician the cooler they get. A jazz musician starts off his career by playing for canned food drives and at county fairs. Rock stars finish there.

Joining me in my musical odyssey of discovery was my good friend and amateur jazz enthusiast, Janelle Jenison. While I was in charge of making up words to the songs (apparently a lot of these so called “songs” don’t have any lyrics), Janelle was in charge of audience observation. She noted that many of the audience seemed unable listen to the music without bobbing up and down at the waist, often times for the entire duration of each 175 minute song. Perhaps they were trying to keep themselves awake.

To be honest, I really liked the music except for a few things. For one, I kept expecting an NPR announcer to come in between each song and say something like, “Mmmm, that was… superb.” Another thing was that it was pretty long. Jazz is great while doing homework. And it can be fun to listen to jazz while doing another activity you actually enjoy, like sleeping. But to sit there for 2 1/2 hours just bobbing at the waist seemed like a little too much jazz.

Over all, though, I had a great time and learned a lot in the process. Janelle was an excellent amateur jazz enthusiast and audience observer. And thanks to Ellis Marsalis for being one the oldest and coolest guys I have ever seen in concert. Also special thanks to his son, Delfeayo Marsalis, the trombonist, for wearing the best suit in LA.

Trick or Treat, Baby!

2008-10-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about holidays lately. Specifically about how all holidays are celebrations of specific people or groups. There are all kinds of these holidays for others. Sweetest Day, Bosses Day, Valentine's Day, and St. Patrick's Day. I mean that Patrick guy has been dead for years. How the heck does he still get a day 3000 miles away from anywhere he's ever been. Probably something to do with leprechauns and Lucky Charms. But none of these holidays celebrate people like me; un-saintly, single, non-presidents, who have never served in the armed forces. Also did I mention single? I think that its time to remedy that and set up a real holiday where singles get recognized on their own so we can stop hijacking Valentines Day and calling it Single Awareness Day. So I have come up with a proposition for a new holiday. I'm talking international holiday here. It would be called Sexy Beast Feast. And I feel that the only appropriate day to hold it on would be my birthday, the 2nd Tuesday of every March (don’t ask how). On this day all public places of business will temporarily set aside their no shoes, no shirt, no service rule. That is because people like you and me would be walking around in board shorts all day. Not only that but girls would ask us to go to movies or slot car racing or something. Tattoo parlors would all be 1/2 off. And the radio would only play Barry Manilow and Billy Joel pretty much all day. On this cosmic day, all that is wrong in the world will be set to right for 24 hours, and I will have a date with Kirsten Dunst.

But enough about utopian celebrations of singleness, lets get back to established holidays honoring couples. That’s right, I am talking about Halloween: Or as I like to call it The New Love Holiday. Allow me to explain myself. Halloween is everything that Valentine's Day should be. You have the gifts, the dressing up (but slightly different fashions), the school parties, they are both traditionally celebrated with candy that nobody likes (such as those little message hearts for v-day and candy corn for halloween), and they are both celebrations of the darned and the dead (although only one of them is willing to admit it). So clearly they are very similar. But allow me to explain some of the key differences that makes Halloween better. On Valentine's Day you have to dress up the way the other person wants you to rather than MC Hammer pants that you recently found at Goodwill and have been dying to wear to a party to show off. During Halloween everybody gets candy rather than just the girl. If you happen to be particularly ugly, Halloween is actually more fun rather than lonely and depressing. And the best part of Halloween is that there is no obligation. Nobody's feelings are hurt on Halloween, at least not until everybody comes down off their sugar highs at the parties and starts to say things that they would only ever say while dressed as a fat stripper. Basically candy and costumes make Halloween the most romantic holiday of the year in my book.

But for those of us celebrating Halloween without a witch of our own, we will just have to make do until next March when the Sexy Beast Feast rolls around again. I know I am looking forward to it. It is Kirsten’s turn to pay for dinner this year.

Meet Isabella, My New Bike

2008-10-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

This week I would like to talk about easy economical dessert recipes, but I won’t be doing that. Instead I will be doing a brief series on alternative transportation. There are three main forms of alternative transportation; People powered, animal powered, and gas paid for by the state and local government powered. Those three categories break down as follows:
People powered: walking, bicycling, and walking fast.
Animal powered: Buggy, dog sled, horses, and hamster balls
Tax payers gas powered: buses, underground trains, elevated trains, and ground level trains.

This is an important topic and one that should be brought up because I believe that each and every one of these modes of travel can be utilized not just for travel, but also in picking up chicks. And with that in mind, we will start with cycling:

This past week I finally purchased a new used road bike. For those of you considering purchasing a bike, there are a few things that you need to think about before you pull the trigger. Things like; do I want to be ridiculously sexy? or would I like to keep paying for gas?

Bicycles are clearly the mode of choice among the big 3 People Powered methods. This is because it happens to be faster than both walking and even walking fast. In some cases it can be almost twice as fast. Sometimes I even have to slow down when going through school zones or in the house. Yeah, they’re that fast.

Not only is biking one of the faster of the people powered modes, but it is currently one of the trendiest. Just look at how much bicycles are going for on craigslist, Nothing that expensive could possibly be uncool, with the exception of medical bills and even then you probably have a cool story of how you got that parasite or rash. But if you need further proof, allow me to give a personal example. About a week ago, I was hanging out with my friend Brett. We were biking around town and decided to go to some party. Two buses and three hours later we arrived (fashionably late) at the party soaking wet and drenched in sweat only to find that it was a black and white party. Sure everyone else there was dressed way up, but we were the bomb. All the ladies were impressed. While other guys were wearing ties, we wore shorts, and t-shirts. Brett was even rocking the backpack. Although I think it was to cover the sweat stains on his back. Either way, that night, the party arrived on a bike.

As if that weren’t reason enough, bicycles are great personal transportation, they are also good for personal fitness. My thighs look like brontosaurus legs right now, and I mean that in a sexy way.

Unfortunately there are downsides to biking. For instance they are an excellent form of personal fitness, and like so many other misleading words in English, “fitness” turns out to be from two Greek words; “fit” and “ness” which literally translates into “more work than you originally thought.” And speaking of which, there are WAY more hills around than I thought too. I don’t care if you live in the plains of Kansas, the Earth is not flat.
And to top if off, there is no such thing as a comfortable seat on a bicycle. But besides a definite need for padded underwear, biking is definitely my personal favorite alternative ride, at least until it’s socially acceptable to wear spandex short shorts to just walk around. Bow chick-a wah wah.

Tales From The Inbox: Pt 3 - Why Internet Dating Doesn't Work

2008-09-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

And now for the final installment in our series on emails that people have accidentally sent me. In the last entry we found that these inadvertent communications can occasionally lead to job offers. In today’s we learn that they can lead to arranged marriages.

This particular sender had been bombarding my inbox with several mass-emails regarding some event taking place in Pennsylvania. I had been deleting them until they started to get desperate…

The Original Email:

Please, Please respond to this e-mail, so I do not need to call you and I know that I have your correct e-mail address. Will you be attending the event at the Betsy Ross House? Do you know of others who will attend? Can you get the word out to others? I will be placing a notice in the Springfield Press and via meetings over the next 2 weeks Democrats from DelCo, ChesCo, MontCo, Phila., Bucks. Thanks and take care, Nancy

And my reply:

Dear Nancy, hi, my name is James Browning, but I'm pretty sure that I am not the James Browning that you are attempting to email. I am the fun-loving republican grad student in Los Angeles California. I am 6'3 and fluent in Spanish, enjoy surfing and free-lance writing. I am originally from Canton OH former home and current burial place of Pres. William McKinley.

I am not, however, Judge James Browning of Montana (9th circuit), or the deceased James Browning, Texas politician and former lieutenant governor, and I am especially not James Browning of Maryland (http://www.believermag.com/contributors/?read=browning,+james) who recently lost while running for state senate. If you are trying to reach that particular James Browning (let's just call him James 2 or lil' james to avoid confusion) then you can reach him at jamesabrowning@gmail.com (note: his middle initial "a" is the part that keeps emails out of my inbox and in his).

I hope that you enjoy your event at the Betsy Ross House, and I would have loved to join you but with gas prices what they are it's just too long of a drive/bike ride. So tell Betsy I said "hey" and I hope that you get in touch with lil' James or whoever you are trying to email.

sincerely
James C. Browning

Nancy’s response:

James, Thank you for letting me know that I have contacted the wrong James
Browning. I have a phone for James and can reach him that way. I am a public
school teacher in Phila., PA and an elected Democratic party leader, but the
Common Cause group I am working with is bipartisan. You write well and would
hook you up with a friend's daughter, who writes too, but she is a liberal.
She is in LA and writing for TV. Thanks again and good luck with grad school.
Take care, Nancy

And so, in conclusion, we can clearly see that I am currently single not because of a lack of wit and writing talent as much as unacceptable political inclinations. But I think the last laugh will be mine, Democrats may be sexier, but Republicans get rich as they get older and whiter.

Tales From the Inbox: 3 - Job Offers

2008-09-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

And welcome back to part 3 of the ongoing series. Last time we took a look at what happens when people reply to my emails. Today we will continue along that same idea but instead of ending in being denied for a scholarship, we find that sometimes inadvertent emailing can end in job offers.

Today’s email came from an employment agency in Minnesota. I didn’t even know that they had an economy over there but apparently they do and they’re hiring (just in case you’re looking).

The original email:

> Hi James,
>
> I am looking forward to meeting with you tomorrow at 1:00 pm. Our address is
ÿ 3800 American Blvd. West, Suite 290 Bloomington, MN 55431.

And my reply:

Hi Ms. Trebil, While it would be a pleasure to meet you too, I think
that you have sent this email to the wrong address. I am currently a
student in California and I think that it is a little short notice to
take off work for tomorrow. I occassionally get emails for
james.a.browning@gmail.com and this could possibly be who you meant to
send it to. However, since this email appears to be regarding a
potential employment, I would like to take this opportunity to mention
that I will be graduating this May with a degree in Spanish and a
significant amount of journalism experience. If you happen to have any
high-pay positions involving these skills opening up in the near
future let me know, although to be honest I left Ohio because of the
Minnesota-like climate so there would need to be a lot of incentive.
Good luck on getting ahold of the other James Browning and with a name
like that, I'm sure he's a great guy.
sincerely
James C Browning

And finally her concise yet promising response:

You are funny. Send me your resume.

Lyndsey Trebil
Branch Manager

Tales From the Inbox: Pt 2 - Friends in High Places

2008-09-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

As we continue on in my current series of replies to people who accidentally emailed me, we now take a look at those who replied again even after they found out that I wasn’t the person that they meant to email. Or as I like to say, it’s like accidentally hanging out with someone else’s date and then getting invited for a second date. Bow chicka bow wow.

This particular email was sent to me accidentally by the chairman of the Maryland State Senate, himself. Apparently the other James Browning needed to fill out his application or else he wouldn’t get to be senator. Unfortunately the application was sent to me instead of him (hooray! Vote for me!) Of course, you can’t email powerful political figures without asking for a handout. So here is my reply and then the Chairman’s response:

Dear Mr. Walton,
Hi, my name is James Browning. However, I am not the James Browning
that you are trying to reach. I am 25 year old college student
currently living in Ohio but attending school in California during the
regular school year. This is not the first email that I have received
that was intended for a Mr. James Browning of Maryland and so I have
decided to conduct a little research into who Mr. Browning is. I
looked into some of his platforms and over all I am pleased to share
his name. The smoking ban is one of the differences between where I go
to school in Los Angeles and where I live here in Canton, Ohio that I
wish would reconcile. Also I fully support his anti-corruption stance.
I've noticed that he took a strong stance against the Maryland General
Assembly's use of scholarships as favors for donors. I was wondering
if you have to be a resident and/or student of Maryland to apply for
that scholarship. Either way, good luck to all of the candidates, I
think Maryland is a beautiful state. Next summer I will be looking for
an internship and if there are any positions in the government for
Spanish majors I would appreciate the reply.
Thanks
James C Browning

And here is his response:

Dear James:

Thank you for writing back and letting me know I have to be more careful when I send email to James. If you receive anything else from us, keep up the correspondence.

The scholarships are limited to residents of each delegate or senator's district in Maryland. Too bad.

My son was a Spanish major and he is now teaching autistic young people in a Texas high school. His language skills have made him a valuable employee, no matter where he works.

Good luck, and thanks again.

Bobbie Walton

Tales from the Inbox: Pt 1 - In which we are invited to a reception for ourselves

2008-09-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

Often times when blogging, writing for the newspaper, writing essays, or testing, I employ some literary license in my compositions. Truth may be stranger than fiction, but lying is sexier.

However I am now beginning a series of blogs that break the mold in the sense that they are inspired by real life. All of these entries are email conversations that began with emails originally meant for someone else. “Why are strangers emailing you?” you might be asking? Good question. My email address happens to be james.browning@gmail.com. So anytime someone wants to email another James Browning with a different but similar email address they automatically default to my address.

The most common mistake I got was for a James Browning (Democrat) who was running for Maryland State Senate. And it is for this James the Lesser that our first email was addressed. Apparently someone was going to hold a reception for the hopeful young politician. Following the original email was my reply.

Original Email:

At the Leibman’s home
9407 Hale Place
Silver Spring, MD 20910

Many of you already know James, not only as your neighbor, but also from his four years as Executive Director of Common Cause Maryland, during which he worked to clean up Maryland's "culture of corruption." James helped pass a major campaign finance reform bill, worked to make our electronic voting machines more secure, exposed illegal campaign contributions by developers, and was quoted over 100 times by the Washington Post on everything from clean air legislation, to health care reform, to Gov. Ehrlich's tendency to spend his time playing golf…
We will start out with light refreshments, after which James will make a
presentation and answer questions. Come whenever you can. If you are not able to
come at the beginning, come later. James will stay around to talk to people….
Kids are Welcome!

My Reply:

Wow, a reception! Hi, my name is James Browning. But not the James
Browning that you are referring to. I live in Ohio not Maryland. I
attend Biola University, I am not a Brown alumnus. I am actually
majoring in Spanish, not English. And worst of all I am a registered
Republican (although I'm not hard-core conservative, I am definitely
anti-abortion). So as much as I would love to attend your reception
the trip to Maryland is just not finacially feasible at this time. So
thank all the friends of James Browning for me and tell everyone I
said hello and good luck this fall.
James C. Browning
ps. You should serve Reese's Pieces with the refreshments. Even though
no one ever buys them, everyone loves them.

Mmm Reese's Pieces

Why the Olympics should be a reality show

2008-08-16T02:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight's blog will be covering the age old question of "Just how old are those gymnasts anyways? I have potato salad in my refrigerator that looks more mature!" This is a question that has plagued tv viewers since the very first olympics when the ancient Greeks could be heard shouting, "Περιμένετε ένα λεπτό, πόσο παλιά είναι ότι νεοσσό"

There has certainly been a lot of controversy surrounding the age issue at this particular Olympics. Since the Chinese team won the gold with a member who appeared to be a third grader, many of the other gymnasts have been doing a lot of crying (also it could just be past their nap time). According to Olympic rules a competitor must be at least 16 years of age. While the Chinese have proven the ages of their gymnasts with passports, some are questioning the authenticity of this due to a report from Xinhua the Chinese state-run newspaper last November that stated that He Kexin, one of the Chinese gymnasts, was only 13 thereby making her ineligible.

While many people are sitting around whining, I have come up with a plan to once and for all determine their ages. For those of you have been too distracted by the Olympics to check your Miley Cyrus or Jesse McCartney updates you have been missing quite the saga. Apparently Cyrus and McCartney have expressed romantic interest in each other. So what’s holding the 15 year old Cyrus back from dating the 21 year old McCartney (I mean besides the law)? Miley’s dad. Apparently Billy Ray has not only said no to chaperoned dates, but he said that he would “kick McCartney’s butt” if he came around.

While some people may say this is just old-fashioned country singer attitude, the majority of the human race would agree that if they were a parent they would definitely not let their 15 year old daughter date a 21 year old millionaire. And most parents polled said that they would have no problem if McCartney were just neutered to protect the population in general.

For those of you who haven’t seen the obvious connection here, allow me to propose what I like to call the “Jesse McCartney Tru-Age Test.” This test is based on the principle that there is no parent in the world that would let their daughter under the age of 16 date Jesse McCartney. So we merely have to have the pop singer head on over the China and get his flirt on with the Chinese gymnasts. If their parents react in similar fashion then we can assume that the young and talented He Kexin is underage. Also, if we’re lucky they might feed Jesse to the tigers.

So until the next time (which might be in a week because I’ll be working at a camp), keep watching those Olympics and lock up your daughters, I hear McCartney is still single.

Vote for me here

Are these Olympics hot, or is it just you?

2008-08-15T01:59:00.000-07:00

The absurdity of certain Olympic sports have been the butt of many jokes over the years. Badminton, table tennis, and air rifles are some popular examples of these faux sports. Many Americans believe that they were included just to pad the medals of lesser nations who don’t stand a chance in defeating us in real sports like football. The ironic part is that many foreign states feel the same way about snowboarding and other American invented activities.

While I personally don’t have a problem with the legitimacy of these sports, I do have a problem with the inclusiveness. For many aspiring gold medalists, yachting practice is a little unattainable unless you also happen to own the particular nation that you represent. Much of these events are basically for rich people who can afford personal coaches, an Olympic sized bath tub, or enough practice yachts to form your own navy. It’s like that old saying, “you have to have money to make money” only in the Olympic sense it’s you got to have gold to get the gold, if you know what I’m saying.

That’s why we need a sport for the masses. I’m talking about a sport where you can hone your skills on the street. That’s right, I mean flirting. While it is certainly true that flirting is not a sport the way some people do it but in the eyes of millions of men everywhere the guy who came up with “if I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” deserves to be on the cover of a Wheaties box just as much as anybody.

Flirting has been around at least as long as the Olympics because alcohol has been around that long as well. However in recent years it has become more specialized. That’s why I would propose having a couple of different divisions and categories. We could have texting: I gt a flng u wld look gd n my fav 5 @>-->-, best use of an accent: bom dia my name is Cristiano and I am from Brazil. May I kiss your lips?, or just good ol’ freestyle: Soooo, how ‘bout these Olympics huh? Aaaanndd wink*. Freestyle would also include pick up lines, the steal from the old boyfriend, and non-verbal flirting.

But just like many of the other sports this one would feature it’s own brand of “relay” utilizing a wingman.

Guy 1 (to girl): Hey, my name is Dan, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

Guy 2 (to same girl): Hey my name isn’t important because I’m going to spend the rest of the evening talking to your unattractive friend, but before I do I would just like to tell you that Dan is rich, handsome even in strong sunlight, and children love him.

GOLD MEDAL! Take that Russia, in your face! Clearly, there is a lot of potential here and I think that the higher ups at the International Olympic Committee should immediately get the ball rolling on this one.

Join me tomorrow when I discuss, slipping past the Chinese blogging censors and my foolproof plan for finding out just how old those gymnasts really are. Plus we may also cover wrestlers who need to get off the podium and climb back on with a better attitude. Until then I’ll be out working on my freestyle flirt ;)

Vote for me here

The Official Olympic Blog Uncensored 1

2008-08-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve noticed that there are a lot of Olympic blogs going around these days. I can hardly turn on my computer without some blogger trying to start a Michael Phelps religion or complaining about the polluted skies of Beijing. Well, I thought, “Hey wait me too!”

So I am starting my own “Official Olympics Blog Uncensored”. You might be wondering what qualifies me to write an Olympics blog. That is an excellent question, and if you will follow me closely, I came prepared to answer that. I am qualified to write this for three reasons: unlike the Chinese web, I am uncensored, I am living in a US city most like Beijing in the fact that the “haze” is so tangible it’s like cigarette flavored pudding, and I don’t really speak Chinese anyways thereby hitting the coveted English speaking demographic that comprises much of the US and parts of California,

Now, that I am through flashing my credentials let’s get down to business. This is where many of the people covering the Olympics would begin by writing about Michael Phelps. I’m in love with the goggled-wonder just as much as the next guy. And it’s for that reason that I am not going to write about him… just yet anyways. Once you start in on that guy, you’ll spend the whole time talking about either his records, his medals, or how people liked it better in the good old days when people swam in real speedos the size of rubber bands like civilized people. If we could only see more of his body we could tell if he’s part dolphin or from the future or something.

No, what I would like to talk about today is the gymnastics. Aside from the fact that the Chinese gold medalists appeared to be the better part of a decade younger than their actual ages, I have a bone to pick with gymnastics. I just feel like it should involve some kind of martial art or at least the potential for physical harm after all that is the spirit of the original Olympics, and it’s a little subjective.

That is why I propose that the competitors should all get tattoos, maybe a dragon on their neck, or I heart Michael Phelps on their thighs. Either way there should be more knives and brass knuckles involved.

But the whole subjectivity of the judging could be easily remedied if they would take note from playgrounds and driveways all over the world. I’m talking about HORSE. In backyard basketball player 1 (Jimmy) will shoot the ball. If he makes it then player 2 (Rusty from the red house on the corner) must make the same shot. If he misses then he gets a letter. When someone spells out HORSE then he is out. In the current Olympic system the competitor must attempt the most difficult routine possible and then they are judged on how well they do that. So you want to do something that you won’t mess up on, but you don’t want to do a routine that will be so easy that the judges laugh and throw their popcorn at you. That’s why I think that if we have the competitors just try to do things that the other guys can’t do then we will easily and quickly eliminate the real losers.

Anyways, that’s all for today’s blog. Join me tomorrow when I discuss my suggestion for a new Olympic sport: flirting.

Vote for me here:

2 kul 4 skul

2008-08-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have decided that it is time to be cool. You may be asking "But
James doesn't being from Ohio automatically make you tragically hip
and super cool?" Surprisingly, being an Ohio native hasn't even helped
me to get my shirt on right-side-out regularly let alone keep me busy
on a Saturday night.
To be completely honest, this isn't my first attempt at being cool.
When I was in high school, my friend Nate Wolf and I kept a journal on
"How to Be Cool Like Jared Henniger." Jared was this college student
who was one of our supervisors at the summer camp that we worked at,
and this kid was Cool (note the capital C for emphasis). We seriously
filled pages of observational notes of things that Jared does that we
could do too. Unfortunately for me, Nate still has the notebook and he
is currently a missionary in Africa which means I'm on my own this
time. The only thing I can remember from the notebook is that Jared
wore socks with sandals. At this point you're probably thinking
"James, there is no way that this kid could be cool if he wore socks
with sandals, that's what my grandparents' hospice caretakers wear."
Well Jared pulled it off. Let me put it this way, every college aged
girl at camp was in love with Jared and he was so cool he didn't even
notice. You know that you have arrived when everyone is in love with
you and you don't even know. .
But living a Jared Henniger lifestyle isn't the only way to be cool.
After doing some research I realized that tping and txtng lke ths is
way 2 kul. So in my attempt to stay trendy, I started talking that way
as well. Unfortunately all of this is designed to be phonetic so that
when you speak, it actually comes out the same. However, I am looking
forward to when this becomes a socially acceptable way to write. Wheel
of Fortune will go broke when people no longer have to buy vowels
because they aren't in use any more.
The epitome of cool, as we all know, would be rock and roll stars.
You can't get cooler than that. So I've analyzed their success and I
think that I've found some answers. I've narrowed it down to two keys,
playing an instrument and getting their faces on lunchboxes. Before
you get all excited because you know how to play an instrument, I have
to warn you. The clarinet doesn't count. Trust me, my junior high
years would have been way different if someone would have told me that
in the 5th grade. When I eventually switched to playing the saxophone
I hit puberty, my acne cleared up, and I no longer needed glasses.
That being said, I feel that the lunchbox thing is going to be what
elevates me to cool status. So with that in mind, I have decided to
put my picture on each of the take-out boxes at the café. I'm thinking
maybe a couple of different pictures or catch phrases (i.e. Keepin' it
FRESH!), that way they become collector items and my mother can
collect all 5.
So be on the look out for the new, improved, and way cooler James
Browning on a lunchbox near you. I'll be the one with the socks and
sandals.

Click here to vote for this blog...

How to write blogs and influence people

2008-07-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

Well its time for another blog. I sat down at the computer and thought to myself "hmm, I don't really have anything that funny to write about. What should I do?" Then I decided to dip into my ol’ bag of tricks and pull out something witty and funny. But then I thought, "No, James, not today. Today would be better for teaching than for entertaining." So here's the deal, dear blog reader, I'm sorry but we're all business today. Its time for me to teach you where I get all of my blog ideas. You see, you don't really have to be that good of a writer if you have a good enough idea. Plus I figure since everyone else is so busy writing blogs about writing blogs (and making money at it) I might as well jump on the blog-on-blog band wagon. Plus this is a list, which is like hitting a double in the blogosphere baseball game. So lets get down to it.

1) The first thing you're gonna need is a bag of tricks. You might have noticed that I mentioned that earler in the blog. This is your first line of offense. You are probably thinking, "Now James, I don't know about in California but in where I’m from they only sell Tricks in a box and you have to spend all your time eating them and trying to keep them away from that Silly Rabbit." Silly reader, not those tricks. What I mean is the old standbys. The blog ideas that have proven to be winners. You've used them before and found them to be funny and effective. The target audience laughed so hard that they died. Yeah its happened. Or sometimes it could be a blog that didn't quite work in the past but you're pretty sure you know why and all it needs is a little doctoring up. Let's take, for instance your last blog, the one about all your interests and hobbies and all that crap. Now that was a good blog and I’m sure your friend Ashley thought it was a good blog. So all you need to do is rework it a little so that this time it’s funny instead of the kind of thing that makes people cancel their internet.

2) Next if that fails you then you can write about some random event thats happened to you recently. But spice it up. People are willing to tolerate exaggeration for the sake of a good story. Especially when its really obvious exaggeration and they know that you aren't really trying to slide one over them. For instance, when you write about the time that you and your sister and Ashley went to the mall and drove around it, you could have said "but then we figured out that the new GM flex fuel systems also run on jet fuel and the mall security pulled us over for doing 372mph in the parking lot. We were like 'but officer we were just coasting' and the cop was like 'yeah in ORBIT!' Fortunately Ashley had a gun and shot that faux pig so we didn't get a ticket." Now see how interesting that story was. Humorous and completely exaggerated but entertaining none the less.

3) And the final tip for today would be the "how-to" blog. These are always a classic. Usually I like to pick topics that are something everybody knows how to do or topics that are pretty much impossible. One example would be "How to come with ideas for a blog." (thats this blog in case you hadn't caught the main theme yet). Stating the complete obvious always makes me laugh for some reason. And when I laugh, everybody laughs darn it. Another example if this type of bloggage would be "How to win the world cup" It could include such topics as "genetically engineered goalies," "bribing foreign referees," and "concealing knives in your shin guards." Now see how interesting that subject looks? You probably aren't even into soccer and you could already tell that it would be a good read.

Well there you are, reader, a few ideas on how to spice up your blog and make it more fun and entertaining to your readers, just like me.

Click here to vote for this blog:

The Wedding March in an Army of One

2008-07-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve been to a lot of weddings lately, and I’m beginning to wonder two things:

Can these online dating sites really be that successful, and…
Why should married people get all the big expensive parties?

As far as parties go, weddings aren’t really very efficient. There is a long boring part in the middle where everyone sits around getting hungrier, thinking about that rigatoni and all the things that they could be doing with their Saturday instead. The usual excuse is that they needed to take the wedding photos during this period, but I’m pretty sure that Mt. Rushmore took less time to carve than the amount of Saturday that goes up in flames between the ceremony and the reception. you should take pictures some other time, such as before the wedding, or at one of your anniversaries.

Not only do weddings commonly waste your whole weekend, but more and more brides and grooms are choosing to have their weddings on holidays. Which is a bad idea for both you and your guests. Not only do the guests have things they would rather be doing on New Year’s Eve but I’m pretty sure that the newlyweds would prefer not to spend every anniversary at the neighborhood 4^th of July barbeque if they actually thought it through. So the next time you’re thinking about saying “I do,” you might want to think about saying “I don’t… want to make my guests wait hungry and bored, listening to the cheapest dj you could find for 5 hours on New Year’s Eve.”

Which brings us back to my original question, why should married people get all the big expensive parties? Of course I’m not suggesting that single people should have weddings for themselves, that wouldn’t make any sense. What I am saying is that single people should have bachelor/bachelorette parties. I suggest that we start celebrating singleness as well. After all, if getting married is one of the most important decisions of your life, then each year that you decide not to get married is an equally important decision. I’m not saying that I’ll never get married, all I’m saying is, why can’t I have a bachelor party right now? I am a bachelor. Much more so than somebody who is going to get married on the next day.

I’m pretty sure that corporate America would have no problem getting behind this idea. Bed Bath and Beyond would have no problems with letting everyone set up a gift registry. Or in my case something more along the lines of Best Buy or even Burger King.

We could eliminate all the downtime between any ceremony and the reception by only having a reception. I would still have a color theme to keep all the ladies happy and have those colors be the same as the local college football time to trick the guys into matching. Sure there may be a lot of gown and sweatshirt couples, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. And the best part is, an event of this kind would actually make for a fun weekend and an even more fun holiday. In fact, a bachelor party is the perfect way to celebrate newer, lesser known holidays such as “shark week” and “shrimpfest.”

So for all the couples who are planning your weddings, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from our little talk and maybe consider having your wedding on a Tuesday night when there’s nothing good on TV. Meanwhile, I’ll be planning my own bachelor party. And I’ll be sending out the invitations via Facebook so RSVPing is just a click away.

Click here to for this blog at humor-blogs.com

Rich Grad, Poor Grad

2008-07-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

So lately I’ve been occupying my time with a new hobby, a little hobby that I like to call “Poverty.” At first it was pretty exciting, but as the thrill wore off I began to realize that this hobby is a gateway hobby that leads to other, more hard-core, hobbies like collecting food-stamps.

Poverty isn’t actually a hobby so much as it is a toxic byproduct of college graduation. The average job search takes 4 to 6 moths. I hope to have grandkids by that time. Other than the bills that keep piling up, probably the worst part of unemployment is the daytime TV. At first I thought that there was no real point to even having commercials during daytime TV because the only people who were watching didn’t have jobs and couldn’t afford to buy the Hoover Super Duper Chopper 3000 Blender. But then I began to realize that the commercials are actually a pretty nice break from the actual programming.

Not only is the TV pretty lame but so is the poor man’s diet. You start off unconcerned, going out to lunch with friends and associates without even looking at the dollar menu. You progress all the way down until you’re trying to decide if you should use the change you found in your car to have lunch at all or just do the laundry for the first time that month. For lunch and supper I ate leftover Chinese, the #2 special (crispy MSG covered in duck sauce bowl). I regretted it both times.

People frequently ask me, “What do you do all day?” Usually in a tone that implies that they suspect that I spend my time taking bubble baths all day without a care in the world. Unfortunately this couldn’t be further from the truth. The problem with this scenario is that while I may be currently unemployed, there are literally thousands of hardworking Americans diligently turning the cogs that move a thriving industry that is geared entirely on sending me bills. Every day I get bills, big bills, little bills, duck bills, but absolutely no dollar bills. If only I could get a job at one of the places that sends me bills, I would have plenty of work. Probably I could even get overtime.

Since my bank account is hemorrhaging money so fast, that not even Dr. House could save it, I am constantly inspired to continue my job hunt. Occasionally I will even get a response to one of the thousands of resumes that I’ve sent out. But let me tell you, nothing inspires me to submit more resumes and applications like the threat of a job interview someplace you REALLY don’t want to work, like a telemarketing company that sells pagers.

Fortunately I have had a couple of interviews lately so my days as an unemployee may be coming to an end. Which is good because to be perfectly honest it hasn’t really been that good for my love life. Being poor is certainly not helpful in picking up chicks;

“but baby I don’t have a job so I can spend all my time with you. Also if we break up, who’s going to pay my cell phone bill?”

Cover Letter and Resume (the real one)

2008-07-09T01:37:00.000-07:00

Another Generic Cover Letter

Dear 30th Human Resources Director Today,

I am recent graduate from Biola University, a school that you haven’t heard of because it’s probably smaller than where you kid goes to daycare. In researching your company I noticed that you are hiring for a position that I am way under-qualified for. I am desperately enquiring about any kind of position that you can give me that won’t let me starve to death or make my parents feel that they should have bought a fern instead having me.

While at Biola I received a BA in something impractical with a GPA that would have been better if I hadn’t over committed on things that I hoped would pad my resume. Extracurricular activities include; Advanced Studies in Facebook, Video Gameography, and Accruing Debt. I also interned at the local coffee shop, where my duties included spending book money on foamy caffeine. I believe that these courses and experiences have taught me the skills and habits necessary to impress my grandmother.

You should clearly hire me because I am a dynamic, self-starting, creative, non-drug using, run-on sentence writer. My plan is to threaten to follow up with a call next week but will probably forget which applications I said that on, and will either call you in about half an hour or not at all. I can be reached on my cellphone (if it hasn’t been shut off by then) or in person in my parents’ basement.

More Sincere Than Usual

James Browning

Enclosed is my One Page Resume (only 1 page because you probably don’t want to hear about the fine work that I did in the fast-food industry or my years I spent working at camp hakunah matata)

James

Browning (330) 575-1920

james.browning@gmail.com 861 Glencliff Apt. 39 La Habra CA 90631

OBJECTIVES

My objective is to pursue a career in whatever you are hiring in. And also to use this resume to make myself look like an industry rock-star. In fact you should probably not hire me because all of the executive assistants are going to fall in love and then nobody will get any work done. Plus all of your competitors are going to constantly barrage me with enticing offers because I'm pretty much da technical analyst assistant to the writer bomb.

EDUCATION and TRAINING

Bachelor’s degree in Awesome from a mossy (half a step down from ivy) league school with a 3.8 GPA (using the metric system).

WORK EXPERIENCE AND SKILLS

-Company: The Internet

Title: Part Time Blogger

Salary: $0

Duties: Creating fake resumes in hopes that someone who has read my real resume and actually checks the website address that I put down will read this and see how creative I am and hires me.

-Company: United States of America

Title: Citizen

Salary: $300

Duties: Voting. Also I implemented valuable skills necessary to each and every employee at your place of business; specifically working for you legally.

AWARDS AND RECOGNITION

- International Employee of the Year
- Most Likely to get the HR Director a Bonus and Promotion Just Because They Hired Me
- Nobel Peace Prize

Getting in Shape for the Summer

2008-06-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

Life has a pretty insistent way of pointing out all of your personal and physical flaws. My dating life is an excellent example of this. But lately life has delighted in highlighting just how out of shape I’m in.

While I haven’t exactly been in a competitive condition for most of my life, I used to be able to brush my teeth without needing to stop for a breather. Even now as I am writing this, I know that my fingers are going to feel pretty sore in the morning. Maybe I should get some neoprene typing gloves. Do they make those?

I may be having difficulties performing many basic functions, but I seem to have no troubles eating lately. And there in lies the problem. About a week ago, I decided to adopt a new diet program called “Eating Less and Exercising More.” I’ve heard from many reliable sources that this latest craze in fad dieting is definitely the way to go.

Day one of my “Eat Less/Exercise More” diet didn’t go so well. Mostly because I didn’t exercise at all and I ate about 39 cookies with a bowl of potato salad. The program kind of went downhill from there. I think the only way to get out of shape even faster would be to directly inject the fat and cholesterol into my veins.

At first I resigned myself to the fact that I might not have a 6 pack by July. I can live with never taking my shirt off again. I just needed to pick a shirt I liked and go with that. But then I was invited to play ultimate Frisbee. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the sport, it is basically like playing catch with a Frisbee but for crazy people. My team was running up and down the field as if their clothing were on fire… just for fun!

I might be lazy, but I’m also competitive which means that I didn’t really pay attention to the warning signals that my body was sending trying to convey the message that it was ready to go home and take a nap. The warning signals started off subtle enough with a general feeling as though I were about to projectile vomit. But it quickly escalated to the point were several vessels burst and every hair in my body fell out due to a sudden spike in blood pressure.

Mercifully the game ended when several players got bored with running back and forth on a field and decided to go run in circles on a track. I just asked somebody to drop me off at the morgue.

While laying on the cold marble slab I had an epiphany. I realized that self-discipline and hard work are not the way to go. “What led you to that conclusion?” Good question, and as usual the answer is Hollywood. In examining this summer’s biggest blockbusters I’ve noticed that at least 4 of them are superhero movies with names like “Iron Man” and “The Hulk.” I want nicknames like that. I want to be that hero.

So how did these amazing men of steel acquire their glow-in-the-dark, impervious to fire, and levitating bodies? Some such as Iron Man and Batman purchased them. But since I previously spent all my money this summer on movies and a subscription to Doritos, I decided to go with the other route; radiation.

That’s where my friend Talon Bradford comes in. Talon was recently diagnosed with Grave’s disease, which basically results in a hyper-active thyroid, the thyroid of a four-year-old raised on pixie sticks. The particular treatment that Talon has opted for is called radio-iodine. In other words, radioactive iodine. This little pill makes his body so radioactive that he is forbidden from leaving the house for several days, coming in contact with other people and after a week or so, if he should choose to travel he will need a special card to notify the authorities that the reason he is setting off the bomb detectors at the airport is because he is diseased and not idealistic.

Naturally sitting in your room all by yourself can get pretty boring. That’s why I will volunteer myself to come over and play video games with Talon and to give him several hugs of encouragement and healing. If that isn’t enough for me to cast aside my glasses and fly off into the sunset, then I am willing to go so far as to let him bite me. Unfortunately due to the fact that he was recently married, his new wife won’t let him bite people anymore.

So, once again, my best plans are thwarted by a jealous woman. But that’s probably for the best. I’m not very likely to use my powers for good instead of evil. So until a mysterious rock from space come crashing through my window and tightens up my gluts, I guess I could just take the batman approach and wear more flattering clothes. Of course maybe that's why he's entirely in neoprene, because batman's in worse shape than I'm in. What a slacker

Terminal Terminals

2008-05-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I don’t like about flying? Airplanes. Also I’m not really a big fan of airports, airlines, or air guitar. I recently flew cross-country; of course, you all have been through this as well, so I’ll just sum up. I sat in the airport for over 5 hours, my flight was changed twice, and I received a phone call asking if I had a passport for my luggage because it had just arrived at customs in Bosnia. The craziest part was (and this is the honest truth) that my actual destination changed 3 times!

I don’t want to bore you with the tedious details of my snowbound journey through purgatory because I am not alone in this. We can all identify with the late flights, the morbidly obese couple sitting on either side of you, the snorer, the lost luggage, and of course the body cavity search. After being inconvenienced to the point of internal bleeding, I was kind of hoping that I might get bumped up to first class. I keep hearing about all these people who magically wind up in first class where all your dreams come true and instead of offering you peanuts or peanuts, they offer you a chance to fly the plane or take a pony ride up and down the aisle. I have a friend who swears that she once got bumped up to first class because she was seated next to a sleeping man with severe gas. I don’t believe her, and let me tell you why. I strongly suspect that the airlines have spread the whole “you might get bumped up to first class” rumor as some kind of unconventional PR scheme. Well I’m on to them. What I think actually happened was that the airline told my friend that either she would tell everyone that she got bumped up to first class or they would shut off the oxygen masks that she had been using to breathe while sitting next to the human methane factory.

No, not only did I not get bumped up to first class, but I actually got put further back in the plane. I had to sit almost in the very back row, in the section where they’ve replaced the seats with those little cages that they raise veal in. When you sit in the front, the flight attendants are patient and congenial. But I think the airlines use ex cons to staff the back 10 rows, because my stewardess’s name was Harvey, and she had several frighteningly anatomically correct tattoos. Also the attendants back there are less patient and more apt to use cattle prods and bull whips.

Normally I would be opposed to such treatment, however, even I could see the necessity of it in light of the unruly and violent infant population lurking under the seats. There was an altercation with a 2 year old and about 3 of the flight attendants that strongly reminded me of that scene from the beginning of Jurassic Park where they are trying to contain one of the dinosaurs and things go terribly wrong so you just see the guy standing there in the rain yelling, “Just shoot her! Just shoot her!” All I can say is that it did not end well for the flight attendants.

I personally see no logical explanation for the fact that we are able to build huge metal vehicles that can travel hundreds of miles an hour, soaring through the sky. Yet we can’t make them arrive on time, or even be civil about it. The only explanation that I can think of is that the US aero-space industry has been cursed. My bet is that some gypsy somewhere was offended in someway, possibly by a flight attendant smacking her in the mouth for asking for more pretzels. Until we find that gypsy and make things right, we’re all doomed.

Of course the other solution would be to start the whole thing from scratch. Fortunately I have an idea that I feel we can all agree upon. In addition to all of the other problems that I have been discussing, another issue is the airport security. This is getting so out of hand, that I’m practically had to strip down naked and get hosed off as I went through the scanners. I will have to admit that I feel a lot fresher after going through the delousing chamber, but that’s not relevant. I propose that we get rid of security altogether. In fact I feel that we should post large signs highlighting load bearing pillars, and structural weaknesses around the airport. After spending all morning and most of the afternoon sitting in the terminal I was really kind of hoping that somebody would blow it up. Many people see amnesty as the solution to the illegal immigration problem. I propose an airport terrorist amnesty bill. Just start all over, and this time, lets see if we can make the airports look a little more an Italian piazza and a little less like the third level of Dante’s Inferno. Also I propose that we put timed bombs on planes as well. But we should make the fuse set to go off about 5 minutes after the plane is scheduled to land. That way the only way to save everybody is arrive on time, or maybe even a little early.

I realize that I probably sound a little irritable right now. But I’m writing this while still on the plane and I have a sleeping gentleman’s elbow in my gut and he is resting fitfully to say the least. So next time you fly, I recommend asking your travel agent about the flight plan that comes with an anesthesiologist. Also if anybody, anywhere knows who that gypsy is, tell her we’re really sorry.

An Expensive Article

2008-05-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I’ve been receiving a lot of credit card offers. I’m not going to lie, it seems like they’ve really started to sweeten the pot lately with some of the rewards. I’ve been hearing reward rumors for everything from free airline tickets to guarantees that all of my children will be beautiful and manually dexterous. Never the less, I’m still a little doubtful. I’ve never personally met a credit card company but I just don’t see why they would really care about my domestic traveling plans unless there was something in it for them. So I decided to conduct a little research in this area. After laboriously searching the internet for about a minute and a half, I reached two conclusions. First of all, somebody should make a Wikipedia page with all the answers that I am looking for, and secondly, it turns out that any old schmoe can put whatever he wants on Wikipedia and it becomes Gospel.

Armed with this knowledge I sprang into action. If a source is the only thing missing then I might as well be my own source. So I created a Wikipedia page on “student debt”. In this page that I wrote, I found all the necessary statistics and more! It really is an amazing source and I recommend that all of you check it out as soon as possible (search for “student debt” on Wikipedia making sure to use the quotation marks) before somebody officially finds it and shuts it down, which if it’s anything like the addition to the platypus page (plural: platypi) will probably be about 8 hours.

Anyways, my sources aren’t the important thing. What is important is what I made the sources say, and that is the fact that many college students are in debt. I know I sure am. As can be shown on Wikipedia, the facts break down into 4 major groups as follows:Average college debt: $17,120 (This one is actually true)Average student credit card debt: $2,200 (Also true)Average accumulated debt that the student owes their parents and says that they are going to pay back but really aren’t: $7,320 Average amount that your roommate says that you owe him even though you’re pretty sure that you paid him back that time you went to Applebee’s and he “forgot” his wallet: $6.75

As you can see by these startling statistics, clearly your roommate doesn’t know what he is talking about. But what does this all mean? How can we lower our debt and live within our means? Who really cares? I mean besides your parents. Fear not, because I have a few frugal suggestions that really make cents (ha!). First of all, before accepting any possible gift from a credit card company, why not take a look on EBay and see what it’s going for. If it is less than $2,200 then it is probably not worth it, also maybe you should get a job. I realize that this advice might be difficult to follow. According to recent reports from sources other than myself, America is in what many experts call a “recession”. They usually follow this up with other fiscal nonsense such as “Sub-Prime”, “Nasdaq”, and “Dollars”. Many experts are blaming our economic problems on the falling cost of the dollar. Well I don’t know about you, but where I come from the dollar is pretty much always just worth $1. I bet these so called experts don’t even have their own Wikipedia page.

So how can we solve this problem? Well there are two schools of thought on that; first, to live within your means (i.e. don’t spend more than you make), and secondly, take the same approach that I use in doing homework, which is to ignore it until later. This latter approach may be great in helping me create Wikipedia pages; however, it has yet to make me any richer.

The Wikipedia Page That Was Deleted

2008-05-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

(I made a wikipedia page as a source for an article for The Chimes. Unfortuntately it was deleted by 10:30 the next morning. If it had not been deleted, this is what it would have said)

STUDENT DEBT

Student debt, the debt that a student owes, has skyrocketed. While student debt has reached unprecedented proportions in the U.S. it is a fairly recent phenomenon. Twenty or thirty years ago, the parents of many of today’s current students simply paid for college with animal pelts. However, with the enactment of the Endangered Species Act as well as a switch from pelts to cash as the dominant currency form has left many parents and students not only unprepared to pay for college but also with a lot of useless animal pelts that they had been saving for their student’s college tuition.

However, tuition debt is not the only form of college debt. There are 4 major forms outlined below.

Average College Debt

The average American college debt for the average American college student is $17,120. Or roughly the equivalent of two and a half tanks of gas. This rising cost has sometimes been blamed by many Wikipedia editors for the nation’s chronic drug problem. If tuition weren’t so high, students would have the financial freedom to grow less profitable crops. The ability to cope with this amount of debt immediately after graduation is still developing in this country. Back in the day, many U.S. College students such as George Washington and Galileo could obtain successful prestigious jobs with only a degree from a more affordable online university. But with the advent of Facebook, however, many students found it difficult to get any real work done online without constantly being “super-poked” by someone.

Average Student Credit Card Debt

The average amount of credit card debt is $2,200. When you factor in that I don’t even have a credit card that means that somebody else is using theirs way too much, probably the girl who sits in front of me in my World Civ class. She has more pairs of shoes than an average male dormitory. Somebody should start a Netflix style shoe store for girls so they can wear all the shoes they want without spending the money to actually own something they are going to wear about as often as their wedding dress.
Credit Card Debt itself is blamed on a decline of the “Don’t Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford” financial philosophy. This concept has gradually been replaced by the much more popular “Just Use Your Credit Card Because Then the Credit Card Fairies Pay for It” philosophy.

Average Accumulated Debt That the Student Owes Their Parents and Says They Are Going To Pay Back But Really Aren’t

This type of debt averages approximately $7,320 per student according to a recent observational survey of disgruntled parents within the immediate family of my roommate. According to many experts this modern phenomenon has actually been going on for many years, however, it was previously known as the Advance In My Allowance Deficit. Wall Street watchdogs have called this the “leading cause of the lack of faith in the economy.” While many parents doubt that they will ever see the money again, some consider it an investment in keeping their progeny out of the house and in the street where she might meet somebody who will marry her and take her off her parents’ hands.

Average amount that your roommate says that you owe him even though you’re pretty sure that you paid him back that time you went to Applebee’s and he “forgot” his wallet: $6.75

While this may seem like a fairly complicated economic term, it basically boils down to the fact that your roommate vividly remembers every color and detail of the circumstances surrounding the one time that you had to borrow money from him, yet he cannot seem to recall when you paid him back, or the 23 times this semester when he borrowed money from you without ever paying you back. This type of lending is not limited to college students alone. It is said to be the cause behind the break up of the Beatles and has even been referenced in the Bible. Following a dispute with his brother Cain replied “Am I my brother’s keeper? But if you see him you tell him, I’m coming for my money.”

Interconnectivity of the various forms of Debt

There is a direct correlation between credit card debt and parental debt that isn’t going to get paid back. Usually the credit card debt goes up first, and then about a month later it again declines, however the parental debt increases by almost the same amount, plus or minus $6.75.

... for such a time as this

2008-02-25T01:09:00.000-08:00

以斯帖記 4:14
14 此時你若閉口不言，猶大人必從別處得解脫，蒙拯救；你和你父家必致滅亡。焉知你得了王后的位分不是為現今的機會嗎？」

Throughout my life, there have been so many times of uncertainty. There were times when I didn't know what I wanted to do, times when I didn't know where to go, and so many times when I didn't know what to say. The not knowing revealed my insecurity. There have been other times when I knew what I wanted. But I didn't let go of that knowing for fear of returning to the dark instability. As a man I need to live a life of purpose. Without a rudder the ship will falter on the rocks. There have also been times of clarity so lucid that I know that they could only have been ordained. But just because God places someone in your path doesn't always mean that he gives you the script to read, just like that. During finals week, I found myself driving through Compton, CA with a scared 16 year old and his pregnant girlfriend in my backseat. We were driving away from abuse and fear, away from a broken mind a spirit. "Wow, it's pretty cold outside tonight" I didn't know what to say. "Can I pray for you?" That was the best shot I could take. Who knows what to say in such a time as that? This week a scarred soul that is hopelessly addicted to death called me out of the blue, three years later, and thousands of miles away. "So what's new?" I didn't know what to say. "I've been praying for you." I'm glad it was at least true if not very helpful. Who knows what to say in such a time as this. I love my savior, and will gladly serve him. I know that he doesn't always give specific instructions. That's when it is hardest. That is discernment and wisdom. Being brave in the face of death, doing what is right when it is inconvenient, being willing to draw my sword and die for Christ but being wise enough not to deny him the same night. Lord, give me the wisdom to love them and keep them for who knows whether or not I have been brought here for such a time as this. May I be found faithful always, for this task may be my last, or theirs.

Blues Duets Make the Best Music

2008-01-05T10:40:00.001-08:00

What is it about sad songs that make them so universally appealing? So many times I’ll be driving home late at night and put on music about broken hearts and lonely people. I love movies about unrequited love and stories with martyrs. For me, they certainly don’t take the place of happy endings or fairy tales. I still like it when the guy gets the girl and the hero saves the world, but sometimes, late at night, or on cold gray winter days, I want to empathize with the song about the guy whose love picked somebody else.
I used to think that I like these stories of melancholy because I could identify with them. I’ve been the guy whose girl picked somebody else. I’m sometimes that guy who can feel lonely in a place far from home. But I’ve realized that I don’t like these songs and movies because I can identify with them, I like them because I feel like they are identifying with me. I feel as though the author/artist understands where I’m coming from. This may be why I prefer to listen to sad songs by myself; otherwise another person might keep me grounded in reality. Everyone (including me) occasionally likes to be the righteous victim. We’re always the hero, even if the hero is a martyr.
While this may be the case in many situations, it is still true that there is so much genuine sadness and unhappiness in the world. And in the face of true misery, sad songs don’t really bring the same satisfaction that they do when I’ve actually had a pretty good day. What takes the place of that are those who come along side of me and actually identify with me, because they care. Even more than the song, I love the friend who has been there before and is with me while I go through it. Last year, was filled with a lot of ups and downs. But what made it worth it all, was the way in which God used brothers and sisters to be there, to not only hold my hand, but run to get there. Thank God for those who laughed with me when I laughed and for those who cried with me when I cried.
I’ve realized that compassion is so frequently the voice of God that there isn’t a song on the radio that can take the place of someone with their arm around my shoulder. We all like sad stories because they can identify with us. But I want to become that friend who compassionately comes along through the bad times with others. I want to be willing to give up that dance music until you’re ready to dance too. Doing so makes me a closer friend, but even better than that it makes me more like my Lord.

Thoughts of the Sun and the Sea

2007-12-27T11:40:00.000-08:00

The hearts of men are subject to longing
For the lands beyond the sea
Every ship that sails
And every gull that cries
Fills the sails of our wandering hearts

The sun rises in the East
And men work in the fields
Kings are ruling from their thrones
The women toil before the setting
The children are content with their play
For a little while

Tomorrow the sun also rises
And the fields groan beneath their feet
Kingdoms fall and wisdom fails
The toil begins afresh with each new day
The children must find new games
For all our lives

The sun shines brightly
But it doesn’t give us sight
Like men accustomed to darkness
Our eyes don’t need much light
And so we can’t see the land beyond the sea

And when the sun rises
And shines on the poor and the rich
And when the wind blows to the north
And then turns again to the south
The sea is set in our hearts

The rich man’s fields may have rain
The same may dampen the poor
The wise man prepares for the morrow
While the fool turns in his bed
Both may hear the calling of the sea

The lands beyond the sea
Are lit by an eternal light
Love is carried by the wind
Justice is in the heart of the land
Hope is made real on those shores

The sun toils in the skies
Above our lands it shines
But in that far country of light
The sun shines as it was meant to be
Beyond the western sea

The sun rises every morning
And sets again at night
And so our toil never ceases
What man builds will pass
Washed away like the sand on the shore

As the sun rises high
The rivers flow to the sea
Yet the sea never grows full
Our thoughts flow with the rivers
Ever to the sea

The sun is our king
In this land of vanity
But on the far side of the sea
He is our brother
Satisfied at last by another

Our fathers have gone before us
Grace has paid their fare
Our hearts do not belong here
But our work is never done
Until we arrive beyond the setting sun

2007-12-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

I believe that words are like the colors of the soul. Each word spoken or written is a stroke from the brush, sometimes from an amateur and sometimes from a master. Every language in the world is capable of forming poetry and songs, stories and legends, professions of love and declarations of revolution. Every language in the world can incite a riot or calm the masses. God, himself, spoke to us through the Word. Voices fill our thoughts every day with waters both sweet and bitter everyday. And at night we dream in ethereal visions of words that will never be, waking in the morning still haunted by the magical phantasms conjured forth by the words that disturbed our sleep and gave us rest and hope. But each morning, just as the sun conquers the dawn's mist so the day drives away the memory the whispering words from the evening before. But for some of us, the hope that is born in the words of dreams, not only survives the light of day, but matures and strengthens. For those who love what is true and right, we have pure words that can heal. Words that can light the darkness where despotic lies enslave those who whisper in despair. A word can fight against the unjust, and the Word can defeat Death. If we have the hope of life, if we carry the light of truthful words, how can we not speak them? For those who do use their voices to speak out against words that enslave, remember that our voices are not to imprison but to bring hope. We are to love what is right, not being right. We offer hope to the victim, not condemnation to the liar. His words will convict themselves. Make sure that your words are true. They will be measured by your deeds. Those words which are filled with action and true compassion will be heavy and powerful, the poetry of life, a visual song so true that not even the devil can drown it out with his chorus of lies. Blessed are those who bring a refreshing and healing song. For hearts will be filled with a spring of pure and healing life that overflows through the pen.

the love of God

2007-12-05T00:46:00.000-08:00

"If a man say, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?" I John 4:20

"If a man say, I love God, and hates himself, he is a liar..." JB

I've been reading I John 4 lately. It is a flowing and beautiful passage. John very poetically reminds us of God's exemplary love for us and the cascading affect this ought to cause within us. John talks about God's love to us, and how that this love is a defining characteristic of God. So much so that we can know that God dwells in us through the love that we have for others. James points out that we can't bless God and curse man who is made in his image. This is not only true for others but for ourselves as well. I have a saviour not because God's hand was forced out of some divine and paternal obligation, he did it because he loves me. God didn't owe it to me because I'm such a great man (not that anyone is likely to suspect that as being the reason). Nor was Christ's death actually meant for certain people, but since it covers everybody I happen to get in too. Christ's death and resurrection were performed so that I might be made a son of God, conformed to the image of Christ, conformed to love. The reason we are being made like him is so that we can have a relationship with him. He was out of my league so he is making me better. I surely didn't deserve it, but that's not where my worth comes from. It comes from the fact that I am loved by Love himself. Light and Truth, Purity and Righteousness saved me because of this, how can a flame of love not kindle in my heart when this truth ignites my soul. Even Justice and Holiness, the righteous Judge stepped out of heaven and humbled himself so that I might know him better. Oh God, I'm in love. The hardest part isn't always loving your neighbor, sometimes its knowing that God loves you.
"Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say to them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God" John 20:17

The reason the apostle John refers to himself as the one whom Jesus loved isn't because Jesus loved him more. It was because he believed it more.

Resolutions

2007-11-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

I hereby resolve never to use this public medium as a means to sin whether it be through:

1. Pride-neither boasting nor seeking out a self gratification of an inner focused insecurity.

2. Lying- in any ways to intentionally deceive the reader.

3. Slander- no form of slander, libel, gossip, or accusing.

4. Crude Language- whether through coarse jesting or inappropriate language.

5. Blasphemy- to never detract from my Lord Jesus Christ or those things which pertain to the kingdom of God.

6. Indolence- to never use my writings as a means to avoid doing that which ought to be first done.

7. Sins of Omission- to always take every opportunity to do right through this particular instrument.

8. Provocation to Sin- to never provoke, cause, or tempt another to sin. Whether this be directly or through desensitizing or titillating the reader.

9. Idolatry- to never promote any thing, idea, or sentiment to an improper degree.

10. Theft- t0 never take another's ideas or content for my own.